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Friday, 5 February 2016

Mining for Gold



Unread newspapers are dust traps. They pile up and sometimes you think you will read them. You don’t but you hesitate over throwing them away. What might I be missing? Well yesterday I took the plunge. I picked a paper at random: The Times. It was pristine, untouched. December 27th 2015.
That’s the thing about old newspapers—they tell you what you know. Reassuring admittedly, that things haven't changed, but can be a bit boring.  I was about to give up, when I came across the blessed Caitlin Moran. Sometimes she’s tedious, other times blisteringly funny.

Talking about random discoveries she shared a glimpse into Gwyneth Paltrow’s life-style.

“In America, however, Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website Goop triumphed….offering the $244 Cedes Milano Toothpaste squeezer. . . (and) the portable vaginal steam-seat for a very reasonable $55. It seems like a good deal, tbh. You know what it’s like when you’ve been travelling, and you unpack your vagina and it’s all crumpled and creased. But a quick 20 minute steam knocks all the wrinkles out—and sees you descending to the bar looking crisp, businesslike and ready to take on the world with your crisp flaps.”

And what made my day—her quote of the year, this time from the timorous Heather Mills, talking about her prodigiously talented daughter:

“I think she got the best of both (Paul and me)—we’re both very musical,” Mills said of herself and the man who wrote Eleanor Rigsby. “I taught her saxophone, because her father can’t read music, so I do all the music teaching,” she added, explaining the embarrassing musical disparity between herself and the man who wrote Helter Skelter. Eager to throw the man who wrote Yesterday a bone, she said “Beatrice is a brilliant poet—so she obviously gets that from him.”


Had I not kept those papers I’d have never have appreciated the full extent of self-delusion, nor heard of the $244 toothpaste squeezer. I would never have heard of the portable Vagina steam-seat. It would be a joy to see that advertised on QVC shopping channel; I’d probably be tempted, although I have no idea of its effect on those without flaps.

3 comments:

Maria Zannini said...

I tend to store newspapers only to use as drip liners when I refinish a piece of furniture. Maybe it's good I never examined the pages that closely.

PS Is that your writing room?

Mike Keyton said...

Probably the best use for them or cut up into squares to make toilet paper, but now I'm going back to my childhood. Don't think Bernadette would allow that. : ) And yes it's my writing room with my relatively brand new computer that's clever than I am : )

Mike Keyton said...

Errhmm. 'Cleverer than I am'