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Friday, 30 January 2015

Pacer, Ponies, and Lynx

Man accused of having sex with a Shetland pony was found 'smelling strongly of horses' 

The Telegraph

Police say Alan Barnfield was 'sweating profusely' and had several cans of Lynx in his bag on the night he was seen leading two ponies into a dark wooded area 

I couldn’t get this image out of my mind, nor what they found in his rucksack:

..... several cans of Lynx deodorant, a length of white electrical cable, a handheld water sprayer, a cloth, a metal dog chain and two bottles of Lucozade

Lucky Doncaster Crown court that brought him to justice. Lucky jury, pondering on how these various items were used. Either way it didn’t read as a particularly good advertisement for Lynx. I was still trying to figure out whether the ‘horsey smell’ in the headline referred to an innovative new fragrance, along the lines of Opium or Africa, whether indeed he'd been led astray by Excite. Or whether it was making the point that Lynx was powerless against the stronger smell of  Pony. Bestialists, I think, should be warned. 

This is one of the dangers of long distant walking. The mind goes freewheeling, racing joyously and unconfined by the more sober tread. My mind needs little encouragement to freewheel but now it's on hyperdrive as a result of the new App my beautiful  daughter has installed on my phone.

It’s called Pacer, and I can recommend it for those missing out on something to obsess about. For those who are still Pacer-virgins let me explain. You switch it on and begin walking. In return the app will tell you how many miles you have walked, calories burned, and it will even congratulate you on passing the 6,000 step mark. How I long for these little rewards – to the extent if I’m three or four paces short, and I’m sitting, watching TV or on the computer, I’ll take it out of my pocket and swing it a few times to earn Pacer’s praise. Talk about Pavlov and chimps…or was it dogs…and did Pavlov ever use Lynx?

It has another feature too – Pacer not Lynx. You can become Pacer Buddies. I thought nothing of it when my daughter suggested it. In fact, I was touched. Still am. Though truth be said, there are drawbacks, for with a glance at her iPhone she can observe my lengthy bouts of idleness. She is graceful. She says nothing. But I am aware. I’m aware, too that with her 13K paces a day I’ll never be able to criticise her. So if there's anyone else, equally forgiving who would like to be 'pacer buddies' just let me know.

Stop press. Pacer has just informed me I can set myself goals. Oh Joy.


Anonymous said...

So begins the journey of a thousand miles?

Mike Keyton said...

In your dreams, Crash. In your dreams

Maria Zannini said...

I've heard of these apps that track your steps, but it probably wouldn't work for me at yoga class. The temps in the room It's too hot and humid in the room.

The rest of the time, out and about on the back 40 wouldn't be safe either since I'm likely to lose or damage the phone while I'm working.

But I think it's a great idea for like normal people. :)

Mike Keyton said...

Mr Normal says: It's pretty rubbish too if you're swimming : )