Sexburga and Heat Pumps

Whenever I go to church, I always browse an opened book near the entrance. It lists the feast days  of the saints for that week, and rarely am I bored. Who could not be intrigued with saints such as: Werburga, Withburga, Notburga, and my favourite (because I’m basically very childish) Sexburga. 

Wer —Not —With— Sex. There’s a story in there somewhere.

My favourite saint has to be St Christina the Astonishing. 

At the age of twenty-two, she suffered a seizure, was assumed to be dead and carried in an open coffin for her funeral service. Halfway through the mass, Christina sat up and soared to the roof where she perched on a beam. (There is quite a history of levitating saints.) When the mass was over, the priest persuaded her to come down and she explained. She had experienced death, visited Hell, Purgatory and finally Heaven, but on her return she found the stench of humans so foul she could no longer live amidst them.

From that point on she sought solitude—on tops of trees, in dark caves, and desolate towers. She even fled into a hot oven unscathed to avoid a fellow human. She died in a convent aged 74. As to why she is a saint, God knows.

This whole business came to mind because there’s a new book out, which I’ll probably buy when it comes down in price—Saints: A New Legendary of Heroes, Humans and Magic by Amy Jeffs.

It is by all accounts a thoughtful book, though what appeals to me are the stories: ships sailing through turf, resurrected birds, trees bowing to offer their fruits ( I wish my damson trees did that). These two also tickle my fancy: a quarrelling husband and wife wake up to find every inch of their bodies covered with penises and vaginas. I’m thinking party games, a new variant of ‘Twister.’ I’m also wondering whether they had one to spare for the unfortunate man the devil tricked into castrating himself.

It seems to me it’s a poorer age without such stories to tell over the fire. It’s an even poorer age when we’re discouraged from lighting them. It's not the same huddled over a heat pump.