The penis has dominated man’s thinking for millennia. Thousands of small bronze amulets or carvings have been found of a winged phallus—the Fascinus—a minor Roman deity. Used to ward off the evil eye, one presumes they were effective. Then there is the Secret Figurine, peculiar to Anglo-Romano Britain. Found all over England, these were pocket sized figurines depicting a small man in a pointed hood. When unlocked, the outer coat opens to reveal that the entirety of the body is a penis with legs. I swear, if I was a young and thrusting entrepreneur I’d be manufacturing thousands of these little beauties. If you ask me, the market’s wide open.
Even landscape is affected by the noble penis. The famous Cerne-abbas-giant with his impressive appendage was once a resting place for young woman seeking a husband. In Irish myth and legend, glens and valleys were caused not by glaciation but the far more satisfactory story of ancient giants gouging the earth with their dangling appendages.
The Gaelic name for one Cairngorm mountain is Bod an Deamhain or Penis of the Demon. It was changed to Demon’s Peak when the easily offended Victoria came to visit it.
Similarly, The Old Man of Hoy has proved a more acceptable name than its Gaelic original.
In fact the last great manifestation of the penis is to be found in the noble codpiece exemplified by that of Henry VIII. Since then, it seems to have withered away in a manner of speaking.
That is until the recent furore surrounding the Bayeaux Tapestry! And boy, has it excited academics. In case you need to know and can’t afford the £33 to see the actual thing, there are 626 human figures, 190 horses, 35 dogs, 37 trees 32 ships, 33 buildings—and 93 penises on display!
Four of them are attached to men. Others detect five or even six men wih them, though one of those is only a pair of testicles, the penis itself obscured by an axe handle. Talk about excitable dons!
As in most things, there is a serious point to be made and these dedicated and sharp-sighted men go about it. They note that every male figure on the large middle panels display nothing but their modesty.
The only penises shown here are equine—88 of them—and used to denote status. King Harold rides a well-endowed stallion. William, the ultimate victor rides a more impressively endowed stallion. His half-brother Bishop Odo rides a modestly endowed stallion more befitting to a man of God. None of the 35 dogs are endowed, which seems a shame.
So, where are all the well endowed men? They are to be found in the smaller top and lower panels and offer a sly commentary to the main events or the ‘official version’ in the middle. They are believed to be based on those Aesop’s Fables denoting sexual trickery and deceit and provide a nudge-nudge, wink-wink aside to a particular event shown in the main panels.
Unfortunately, your £33 entry fee is based on a ‘conveyor’ belt system allowing each visitor a bare 40 minutes. So many penises, so little time.
No comments:
Post a Comment